Since my childhood I was very lucky to have so much love from all directions though I understood this fact of being lucky much later when the love started fading. I was the little girl in my house and has an elder sister. We were very close. Not for one single day I could think of without her. When she got married I was 14..and I cannot express how much painful it is to live without her, using the bed without her, and also the late night discussions we used to had.
This was my first realization of how lucky I was. However, I managed to live… But living becomes even more difficult when at the age of 18 I lost my mother.
Losing my mother was something which nobody could understand unless the same unfortunate thing happens and perhaps that is why I don’t want anyone to understand my pain.
Now the space in my house increased even more and to manage it becomes very difficult. This was my second incident in my life which taught me how lucky I was when they was no love Deficit.
After completing my graduation, living all alone was terrible. Even my equation with my family got worse…and no one to blame for. My mom taught me everything except the art of living without her. It was not only her absence but the entire family got disturbed and gaps between us increased…..
Regular quarrels, frequent mood swings… I used to bluff to myself pretend that I have loads of friends around me but I knew that no one was there.
Situation was such that I started believing more on friends than my family. I was often blamed for my mother’s death just because I at times used to be rude to her.
Crying has become one of my daily stuff…on every single occasion I used to remember her, I cried and pleaded before the almighty and asked for my answers to my questions which remained unanswered.
Things got worse when I realize that my family are planning my marriage without even consulting me..
This frightened me a lot and perhaps this fear helped me at the same time because this fear provided me with great strength based on which I decided to go out to work somewhere far away from family.
Though my parent and family were not carry happy but finally I managed to convince them and shifted to uttarakhand.
Life was going on…. Home to office and then back to home…. After 2 years I met a guy who was in the same office… We became friends. As time passed on we became real good friends.
We had shared a good time.. Things were going good. I hot back my an smile..I got a reason to live…. Because I realize that a time comes in everyone’s life when we tend to be give priority to ourselves than to our parents and family…. This is a practical experience, though I tried to amalgamate the two but it was really difficult…..
After my mother’s death, I was been so alone in all respect, the pain which I cannot express in words, that made emotionally very vulnerable… Perhaps that is why I approached the guy about my feelings for him after many hints.
But gradually I was made tho realize that what I did was not appropriate…. So gradually I stepped back rather I was told to be move away….
Today 20years have passed, I am still there where I was….alone, tainted but still in love with him.. I still follow him in social media hi point that he might left some messeges for me. But today I am glad to see him happy with his family and kids….
I still talk to him in my dreams , still feel the pain of being alone…. still couldn’t forget the time I had in his company…. I still talk to my mom….
But now I can’t take it any more, I failed to move on because I loved him honestly from the core of my heart, Even my family doesn’t really care because their life is also though….
Its a typical feeling. A life with out a purpose still respire … heart still beats…!!!