Parts Of My Beautiful Life In Around 800 Words !!

Life is a journey that has a  beginning and an ending. It also has huge accumulation of stories & experiences. Some people realize from their experiences, they learn from it and some don’t for the reason best known to them.

The day before yesterday, I got a call from Secy. of law college, Calcutta university. He asked me to take few more classes as there is a high demand for my lectures from students on the topic called women and law.. A seminar paper for honors students in their final year. (Unbelievable, I thought he must be kidding)

For my students who follow my blog.. Pls look into these points and ponder on the issues with your heart, be a little more sensitive because law demands sensitive people. I will be sharing my own experiences also….

I would not call myself a feminist but in a country where a 23 year old girl dies after suffering inhuman sexual violence and one of the culprits moves around the city of Delhi by virtue of being a minor at the time he committed the offense…. demands another feminist movement especially after another milestone achieved by men after raping a 28days old infant (reported recently)..  I still cannot believe !!!

Issues of marriage is another area where I had some specific ideas &  understanding. It’s a social institution as per the law. It can be said the most enduring institution of Indian society. My interest is to analyze the impact of marriage in the 21 st century.   Try this angle, it will add a new flavor to it. Love marriage are skyrocketing and arrange marriages are still undergoing transformation. Marriage and sexuality in India, today offers a great sexual freedom to men and women – this is a change and has both good and bad point of arguments but personally I am not in favor of such freedom in a county where people don’t really understand the basic freedom.  Its not there fault but it’s not the time. Liberalism has its limitation when it comes to a democracy which is dictated be few and also in civilization with number of contradictions.   ( Oligocracy)

Apart from this, issues of dowry death, marital rape,  high rate of divorce, and extra marital affairs etc are some unfortunate areas where law is yet to take major steps…

After reading loads of books ( around 67 books)  on women and their contemporary issues, I developed a feeling of empathy for them.. I realized the pain they endure from their birth till they die. I have always tried to understand the agony of their life, the amount of sacrifice they sustain …no men can even think of it. Mark my words !!

When I lost my Maa ( I am not capitalizing her death to gain any kind of sympathy) I realized what she was for our family.. Absence of someone makes us understand what their worth is, always.  I have seen my dad growing sick everyday, crying all alone…. I decided to fill in the gap and realized how difficult it is to tolerate arrogance and continue with the daily chores of life.

Those were the days when our maid servant left the job and for 8 months I assisted my father in cooking the main courses, served, washed utensils, clothes, cleaning, dusting and all (with all the complaints of not being perfect)… so that our house doesn’t look different after maa passed away.

Didn’t got a chance to cry. I still cry in the washroom after putting the tap on so that I can hide my emotions…& grief from my father (who is 70 year old man). In fact I have tried everything to prove one fact that “ dad you are very much important to me “

Just after my mother expired, I was paranoid…especially with the condition of my dad ..Losing my dad was the biggest nightmare even today. I used to go with him everywhere, given a full year for my family because, by then I have developed the fear of becoming an orphan. (Sounds really wired, perhaps childish and also emotionally fool 🙂 ).

The fear was very well rooted in me… There were no such friends with whom I could share because none were near to me…. mostly in Lucknow, Allahabad, delhi & Mumbai. Though they used to call me often to get the updates… Moreover, I was out of words…Every night I used to wake up at  around 3 O’clock or so, just to see whether my dad is breathing or not… This continued for months !!!

After being a law graduate topper from NLU, with 93%, I couldn’t celebrate it, because by then I had a lot of duties towards my family and had no time to celebrate my little success.

After 8 months of my attempt to fill my mother’s place, I decided to pursue my masters of law from Calcutta university despite getting a chance to study in both ILI & JNU… and also in Fletcher school of policy (Boston), only because I cannot leave my old dad alone but still I faced loads of criticisms from my loved ones for not taking care of my family….. But it’s okay… I  cannot pay back what my family gave to me !!

With time I knew what a woman can do and the role they play… They support us, heal injury of deep nature with their warmth, they can pull us from the dust,  but I didn’t have any these around me at the time I needed the most…. It’s okay but I became emotionally unstable and vulnerable and that proved to be the biggest demerit (as alleged and I believe it is correct a large extent).

After I realized the hardships of women, I decided to open an orphan age to share the burden in raising their kids….( but this is just one angle to the multi dimensional problems they face ). 

Well I had seen  not enough hardships in life, but I started working at age of 15 as a  newspaper delivery boy to earn money, then taught in the coaching center for law entrances, and internships as a law graduate and all my savings I poured into this dream       ( which later hot developed) just after my mother expired … How stupid and fool I am , isn’t it?.. This is childish certainly … But I had a vision which would promote adoption, reduce burden on health and at the time it can bring fortune to these street children who are also suppose to be the children of God !

I didn’t shared with my family until now but shared with someone whom I met and with time I realized that she is the one whom I was looking for…. she would understand and appreciate…. which she did…. I will always be grateful to her !!

Today, I would like to share to this family of WordPress about my dream because it’s the only place where a psycho like me can share his thoughts & vision…

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These are the few glimpses of what I started just after my maa went to another world altogether… It is my dream and will convert it into a school wherein I will teach myself with the little knowledge I have gained. ( though I now doubt whether I have anything to share, whether I have anything which people should admire and learn from). There was a time when someone said that she will also be a part of this…. I am sure she regrets for her words now !!

But as I said life is full of surprises, when I met her I again started to smile after a long,  started moving in life.. Don’t know when and how, I had developed feelings inside but always scared to disclose because I don’t want to lose the friendship that I had ( and fear which everyone must have faced) Moreover, I realized her importance even more after she disappeared  … Just then, another sweet turn came into my life.

Around Feb 2014 I was detected with a disease. …. it’s called blood cancer but to it’s primary stage.(no sympathy is needed because it makes me even more weak) and I decided not to tell her because it was just before the prelims examination and I didn’t want her to divert her mind for me.. How ridiculous isn’t it?? There was no other intension dear apart from your success which you deserved it more than anyone else !!

Went into ventilation for 17 days and just before 18 days of prelims I came back to Calcutta. I appeared for the test and unfortunately I cleared it… But I didn’t got a chance to celebrate again ….

After a few months, my masters got completed & the results came out, I topped in Calcutta university with 69% in LLM. But history repeated again and I find these successes as a burden on my life. It had created distances with my loved ones…

Love is something for which I always searched for because I was all alone in my shell. But I think I am not at all worthy to get into any sort of such  relationship… So I think it would be better if go back to my dark zone with some lovely memories rather than hurting people all around…

You see, expression is the most important factor rather than what you have inside… This I was made to understand repeatedly. And I had no experience of this so I kept on continuing the blunders !!!

Life is certainly a joke and death is what can heal.. I had enough from this world, love, hatred, appreciation, judgments were passed from people who don’t even know my name, but it’s okay because I was here to spread happiness & love and to share something personal to my life because I had no place left. 

But as usual life played another trick, it ruined all my attempts of spreading love and happiness and ended up with spreading hatred, sorrow, disgust,….

Writing this post and from the ICU is just amazing especially before my mains… probably I will not be discharged  before 18 or even if I discharged, I won’t be able to write for 6 hours…. for 5 consecutive days… (But this time it is completely for different reason. Acute  insomnia, depression , poor eating habits…severe brain muscle stress & breathing problem)

Before ending this post, this creature want to share his experience in wp. It was amazing to be here in wp. Will always thank her for giving me the opportunity to write here and inspiring me. Will miss this family also because today I will be shifted to a place where mobile phone will not be allowed…

Given the power of attorney to my brother in law who will look after my dream...( this is personal but I still share because I trust people and I am not scared. I can handle it if anything worse  happens)

This infant is crying for years all alone to get my mother’s attention and finally I got the call. I hope this time I get to reach there, because last time I was betrayed and I sent back to this lovely world wherein I don’t fit in ( because of my fault). This well behaved and well mannered world, this civilized society with full of contradictions, where everything has a rule, how to live , how to express love, how to die, etc etc….. list goes on..

If I get back this time to be kicked and to face hatred then perhaps I will start believing god once again 🙂

Wish I could take a selfie but this
called pretentious creature has no strength left in his body… Thanks to Aadil my family doctor for his nice gesture took some effort and being there with me…(as he always wanted to pay back what I did for his daughter who once met with an acid attack and I came in between in Barabanki (UP) way back in 2006).
But Aadil you don’t have to.. You are the only support I have left with… After my dad and elder sister…

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Wish you all, a very happy and successful life,. If in the last five months I inadvertently hurt someone then please try to forgive me and give me another chance to serve you with some better stories of mine ( if at all).. I hope you can give me that very second chance which I didn’t get from the one whom I really loved the most in my lifetime  🙂

Anyways just, press cont. alt. del together to end this task and we will soon meet if I get rejected once again !!

Loads of love and respect for all !!
Stay safe and maintain happiness all along your life… And I will pray that your life doesn’t become a joke like mine…

Beparvah !!!

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145 thoughts on “Parts Of My Beautiful Life In Around 800 Words !!

Add yours

  1. Heyyy!! I don’t know about what I will write here.. first thing did you ever tell that girl you’ve loved her all your life?? Plz do that first!!
    Secondly you are going to be rejected and I am praying for that.. yes you’ll have to get rejected just for her and nobody else just for your dream nothing else.. I don’t know if you’ll be able to read my comment or not but I hope wish n pray that you get rejected..

    Keep Smiling! 🙂 Yes you can BEAT cancer like that..
    Take care!! 😀

    I really hope you see this..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeyyy !!! I got rejected once again ..
      Don’t know whether it’s going tho be good or bad for me… But it’s just happened again !!

      Than you so much for the prayers .. It really played it’s magic role !! Defeating the defeat tho a certain extent was amazing and I truely believe, it’s only because of the grateful prayers I got from people around !!

      Answering your first question, I tried .. Have many hints but she wanted time and space.. I am naive .. Couldn’t understood so was worried, cried a lot everyday, tho vent out I started writing it down and it help me tho some extent..
      But now I believe that I am not capable enough for her… But I can live her throughout my life …. Because such love doesn’t require reciprocity, compromise..anything of that sort which is often seen in relationships. Will thinking of writing a book for her not tho get reciprocity but tho satisfy my pain and love!! This much I can do.. It might not work in the market but it will work deep within my heart !!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You have no freaking idea how much was I worried on that day.. yep I agree I dunno you, I haven’t seen you,not heard your voice but I just couldn’t help myself.. sorry for the late reply..was away for a lil while! Yes yes yes you’re back!! I hope you’ll get better and better every day.. prayers and hopes are with you.. If possible why don’t you just call her asap.. just talk about world and stuff.. Trust me you’ll feel far more better! Yeah agreed how could you call her but just dial her number! I can assure you she’ll be happy too though she may not show you but talk to her my friend!!
        You had to get rejected anyhow, I may not get the biology but I know something call as God! 😀
        How are you now?back at home??

        Merry Christmas!!😀
        Morning! :))

        Try to keep smiling! I am giving you a choice but you should try hard.. 🙂

        Don’t forget about the call Beparvah! 😉 and he’s lemme know if you just called her.. nah not interfering but just tell me.. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I called her thrice…. But all the time it was engaged…. A busy tone….
        Then I couldn’t call her further !!!
        Perhaps because I don’t want to irritate her further …

        Liked by 1 person

      3. hmn.. so how are you feeling now,Beparvah?
        i know every body knowing this must have told you to leave her but it must be very difficult for you to do that..
        take care of yourself and yes try sending a msg if the phone is coming engage then :))

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I have grown in love…
        I believe that love is not about possession …. So I will always carry love for her deep inside my heart, always respect and admire her..I will always be thankful to her … She is and will be my source if inspiration… We all love and follow God although we don’t even think of possessing god….

        Thank you….
        I will be happy to love someone selflessly in this life… and I will cherish that till I die, will celebrate her birthday, pray for her success and that way I will try to remain happy!!!

        Thank you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I can completely understand what state you’re in.. I hope you be happy with her even if it’s just friendship from her side..
        Ik you have what it take to be a selfless lover!
        Keep Smiling! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Honestly speaking… I really don’t know how I am .. And have no idea how I would be tomorrow….. Just passing my day…. Took a small nap few hours back… and suddenly I saw her in my dream wearing a green dress, she was with her phone….. Although I was in my senses, but pretending to sleep so that I could see her for some longer…… Is this crazy???

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Nope! This isn’t crazy but how’s it possible that you’re in your sensing and seeing her in your dreams?? Well I guess you must have just imagined her.. if only you and that girl were together or something.. The imagination is not at all crazy and it’s ok. Just enjoy every moment.. yes maybe you’re not allowed to go out or something but at least you’re able to see her and maybe feel her too..
        Take care! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Why 2 am? ? Something special? And why cnt you pray? And is it so that only prayers can help you? What did doc Adil say? ( I hope the doc’s name is correct,if not,then sorry).

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Its special, my mom died at 2:00 am .. when I lost my world, but after years of my loneliness and suffering I can’t across this girl and an on the verge of losing her … I am losing my connection a d belongingness…..

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Loosing the connection! Then what made you come back with victory with that final examination of yours? What made you write that poem which you’re going to post at 2 am? and now you say you’re loosing connection??

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Yeah….. You are write…..
        An still connected with the memories… An sure it’s not enough for me to live my life….
        And perhaps I will not try…..

        Like

      12. I cnt actually comment on this cz I have never experienced it and I don’t want to.. ik I am being selfish but I love my parents and I actually love people.. These days I an Tring to accept the way they are and the way they have been created..

        Liked by 1 person

      13. Then make it yours.. I mean I know to say and to be in that situation is completely different.. maybe now you’re not willing to live maybe now you’ve just lost that feeling.. but if you seriously wanna get out of it then o lying you are the one who can do so.. Nobody else can..

        Liked by 1 person

      14. I am being very frank,Sir! I am not at all experienced in love. The situation you are in its something I cn understand.. I know to be in that place and to feel that pain is completely different..

        Liked by 1 person

      15. First thing you’ve an amazing skill of writing.. you can just take on someone very easily.. Ohkay so the questions with Jennifer are something maybe I don’t have any answer..I am too young for all of this..

        Liked by 1 person

      16. Ya but you know you’ve great amount of respect in my eyes.. you’ve this cancer in your life you lost your mum n ur love.. no I know you don’t like sympathies and I am not sympathising but just telling you

        Liked by 1 person

      17. But why counting days??
        this counting days phrase, reminds me of a shirt story by O.henry it’s called The Last Leaf.. hey I am not sure about the author though.. Take a look on it 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      18. You’re crying?? But for what reason? Your love,mom or your condition? Why don’t you just stop crying and just live happily whatever time you have..

        Take care.. :)))

        Liked by 1 person

      19. Hey there!
        Was nice talking to you all this while..
        I wish you all the luck for your life ahead! 😊
        I am taking a break and you’ll get the details in today’s post which I’ll be publishing in an hour but just wanted to tell you personally to
        Be Different,
        Be Unique! ☺

        Akiraa
        Keep Smiling! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      20. That is true… But I am actually scared of always sounding like so negative… But I was not like this ..
        Anyways … Stay safe… Will miss you and your thoughts…
        And of course will wait to know more about you soon from April

        Liked by 1 person

      21. Don’t ever think you’re alone in this.. maybe you’re physically alone right now but trust me there are many who want you to be healthy and see you Happy!
        Plzz do take care of yourself!
        Have your meds regularly and plz if possible send me an email once a week or whenever you get free.. I’ll check it whenever I’ll get free.. 🙂
        Thank you cz I actually needed support and love!
        Keep Smiling! 🙂
        Akiraa

        Like

      22. I will certainly do that…
        And believe me I will pay for your success and health with all my sincerity 🙂 that’d all I have..
        Thank you do much for being there… Why girls are so different on different roles…??

        Liked by 1 person

      23. Thank you so much,Beparvah! 🙂

        Cz this is how we are made.. you know it’s proven that girls are better at multi tasking?
        Right now there are many performing thousands of tasks this very second.. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      24. Yes I know this and in fact I wrote about it in my posy on emotional fitness but I will wait …I think I am in love and brave enough to admit it to the world….even if I am asked to wait, I am asked for time and space…..

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are a braveheart and, I sincerely pray that you get victorious over the disease. I hope you’ll be able to read the comments soon and I’ll be super glad to see you replying to this comment! You have to come back to fulfill your dreams… stay brave…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Sorry for replying late…
      Somehow I managed to come back again after taking a time break so as to appear in the test… Which hopefully I will take ..
      Thank you for your prayers, it was most necessary indeed !!
      Wish I could say “Don is back” !!
      Thank you so much !!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. o beparvaah!!do’nt worry.i will wait u forever with this hoping dt u will come back to reply me n write some new amazing words like warrior who won a great war.i will wait u ………

    do u read my poem–ishq-o-jaan..dt is belonged to u .

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Reblogged this on blabberwockying! and commented:
    My friend Beparwah is struggling in ICU. I came to know about him only through WordPress blog. This post tells that he is also struggling with Blood Cancer. A very sensitive soul and a feminist at heart, he has seen a lot in his life but his vision is great. I pray to God for his recovery and I hope you will also pray for him. I sent an email to know his whereabouts and his doctor Mr. Adil responded that he is not talking to anyone. I hope he gets better soon because many people need his presence. May God give him, his dad and friends a lot of strength.

    Love and light ❤

    Anand 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Oh dear, it’s so nice to hear from you again. Stay blessed and healthy and keep writing. Your friends and family need you and country needs you too 🙂 World will be a better place with you around! Love and light ❤ ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I clearly understand. Once you are better I would like to hear from you more about your feelings. I hope you soon get better and start doing rhythmic breathing 🙂 Love!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yeah… Waited for this exam since last year but just before the exam… It’s value decreased….
        Waited for true love when realized, got into the turmoil of disease,

        Life is amazing… God is great

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I did not say what I meant to say to well. Your life is not a joke no matter what the final outcome. I would like to believe that a loving God sees what you can still offer this world. You can hardly be judged for any lapse of faith. I do this so rarely but tonight for what little it is worth I will pray for your recovery and the fulfillment of your dream of making life more humane in India.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much…. Wish I could express my gratitude in words…
      Just wrote a post based on the experiences and support I went through in the last week….
      Thank you so much !!!

      Like

  6. Please try to keep faith in yourself and others…I know how depression can take hold when dealing with a serious illness or chronic pain, especially when going through this with a broken heart. Life may still have plans for you, and your dreams, please don’t give up yet!….I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts for healing in body & mind. Wishing you wellness my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much …
      I am really grateful for you support..
      Yes it’s really difficult … But support system that people all around provided helped me enough to defeat the Defeat to an extent !!

      Liked by 1 person

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