Life is a journey that has a beginning and an ending. It also has huge accumulation of stories & experiences. Some people realize from their experiences, they learn from it and some don’t for the reason best known to them.
The day before yesterday, I got a call from Secy. of law college, Calcutta university. He asked me to take few more classes as there is a high demand for my lectures from students on the topic called women and law.. A seminar paper for honors students in their final year. (Unbelievable, I thought he must be kidding)
For my students who follow my blog.. Pls look into these points and ponder on the issues with your heart, be a little more sensitive because law demands sensitive people. I will be sharing my own experiences also….
I would not call myself a feminist but in a country where a 23 year old girl dies after suffering inhuman sexual violence and one of the culprits moves around the city of Delhi by virtue of being a minor at the time he committed the offense…. demands another feminist movement especially after another milestone achieved by men after raping a 28days old infant (reported recently).. I still cannot believe !!!
Issues of marriage is another area where I had some specific ideas & understanding. It’s a social institution as per the law. It can be said the most enduring institution of Indian society. My interest is to analyze the impact of marriage in the 21 st century. Try this angle, it will add a new flavor to it. Love marriage are skyrocketing and arrange marriages are still undergoing transformation. Marriage and sexuality in India, today offers a great sexual freedom to men and women – this is a change and has both good and bad point of arguments but personally I am not in favor of such freedom in a county where people don’t really understand the basic freedom. Its not there fault but it’s not the time. Liberalism has its limitation when it comes to a democracy which is dictated be few and also in civilization with number of contradictions. ( Oligocracy)
Apart from this, issues of dowry death, marital rape, high rate of divorce, and extra marital affairs etc are some unfortunate areas where law is yet to take major steps…
After reading loads of books ( around 67 books) on women and their contemporary issues, I developed a feeling of empathy for them.. I realized the pain they endure from their birth till they die. I have always tried to understand the agony of their life, the amount of sacrifice they sustain …no men can even think of it. Mark my words !!
When I lost my Maa ( I am not capitalizing her death to gain any kind of sympathy) I realized what she was for our family.. Absence of someone makes us understand what their worth is, always. I have seen my dad growing sick everyday, crying all alone…. I decided to fill in the gap and realized how difficult it is to tolerate arrogance and continue with the daily chores of life.
Those were the days when our maid servant left the job and for 8 months I assisted my father in cooking the main courses, served, washed utensils, clothes, cleaning, dusting and all (with all the complaints of not being perfect)… so that our house doesn’t look different after maa passed away.
Didn’t got a chance to cry. I still cry in the washroom after putting the tap on so that I can hide my emotions…& grief from my father (who is 70 year old man). In fact I have tried everything to prove one fact that “ dad you are very much important to me “
Just after my mother expired, I was paranoid…especially with the condition of my dad ..Losing my dad was the biggest nightmare even today. I used to go with him everywhere, given a full year for my family because, by then I have developed the fear of becoming an orphan. (Sounds really wired, perhaps childish and also emotionally fool 🙂 ).
The fear was very well rooted in me… There were no such friends with whom I could share because none were near to me…. mostly in Lucknow, Allahabad, delhi & Mumbai. Though they used to call me often to get the updates… Moreover, I was out of words…Every night I used to wake up at around 3 O’clock or so, just to see whether my dad is breathing or not… This continued for months !!!
After being a law graduate topper from NLU, with 93%, I couldn’t celebrate it, because by then I had a lot of duties towards my family and had no time to celebrate my little success.
After 8 months of my attempt to fill my mother’s place, I decided to pursue my masters of law from Calcutta university despite getting a chance to study in both ILI & JNU… and also in Fletcher school of policy (Boston), only because I cannot leave my old dad alone but still I faced loads of criticisms from my loved ones for not taking care of my family….. But it’s okay… I cannot pay back what my family gave to me !!
With time I knew what a woman can do and the role they play… They support us, heal injury of deep nature with their warmth, they can pull us from the dust, but I didn’t have any these around me at the time I needed the most…. It’s okay but I became emotionally unstable and vulnerable and that proved to be the biggest demerit (as alleged and I believe it is correct a large extent).
After I realized the hardships of women, I decided to open an orphan age to share the burden in raising their kids….( but this is just one angle to the multi dimensional problems they face ).
Well I had seen not enough hardships in life, but I started working at age of 15 as a newspaper delivery boy to earn money, then taught in the coaching center for law entrances, and internships as a law graduate and all my savings I poured into this dream ( which later hot developed) just after my mother expired … How stupid and fool I am , isn’t it?.. This is childish certainly … But I had a vision which would promote adoption, reduce burden on health and at the time it can bring fortune to these street children who are also suppose to be the children of God !
I didn’t shared with my family until now but shared with someone whom I met and with time I realized that she is the one whom I was looking for…. she would understand and appreciate…. which she did…. I will always be grateful to her !!
Today, I would like to share to this family of WordPress about my dream because it’s the only place where a psycho like me can share his thoughts & vision…
These are the few glimpses of what I started just after my maa went to another world altogether… It is my dream and will convert it into a school wherein I will teach myself with the little knowledge I have gained. ( though I now doubt whether I have anything to share, whether I have anything which people should admire and learn from). There was a time when someone said that she will also be a part of this…. I am sure she regrets for her words now !!
But as I said life is full of surprises, when I met her I again started to smile after a long, started moving in life.. Don’t know when and how, I had developed feelings inside but always scared to disclose because I don’t want to lose the friendship that I had ( and fear which everyone must have faced) Moreover, I realized her importance even more after she disappeared … Just then, another sweet turn came into my life.…
Around Feb 2014 I was detected with a disease. …. it’s called blood cancer but to it’s primary stage.(no sympathy is needed because it makes me even more weak) and I decided not to tell her because it was just before the prelims examination and I didn’t want her to divert her mind for me.. How ridiculous isn’t it?? There was no other intension dear apart from your success which you deserved it more than anyone else !!
Went into ventilation for 17 days and just before 18 days of prelims I came back to Calcutta. I appeared for the test and unfortunately I cleared it… But I didn’t got a chance to celebrate again ….
After a few months, my masters got completed & the results came out, I topped in Calcutta university with 69% in LLM. But history repeated again and I find these successes as a burden on my life. It had created distances with my loved ones…
Love is something for which I always searched for because I was all alone in my shell. But I think I am not at all worthy to get into any sort of such relationship… So I think it would be better if go back to my dark zone with some lovely memories rather than hurting people all around…
You see, expression is the most important factor rather than what you have inside… This I was made to understand repeatedly. And I had no experience of this so I kept on continuing the blunders !!!
Life is certainly a joke and death is what can heal.. I had enough from this world, love, hatred, appreciation, judgments were passed from people who don’t even know my name, but it’s okay because I was here to spread happiness & love and to share something personal to my life because I had no place left.
But as usual life played another trick, it ruined all my attempts of spreading love and happiness and ended up with spreading hatred, sorrow, disgust,….
Writing this post and from the ICU is just amazing especially before my mains… probably I will not be discharged before 18 or even if I discharged, I won’t be able to write for 6 hours…. for 5 consecutive days… (But this time it is completely for different reason. Acute insomnia, depression , poor eating habits…severe brain muscle stress & breathing problem)
Before ending this post, this creature want to share his experience in wp. It was amazing to be here in wp. Will always thank her for giving me the opportunity to write here and inspiring me. Will miss this family also because today I will be shifted to a place where mobile phone will not be allowed…
Given the power of attorney to my brother in law who will look after my dream...( this is personal but I still share because I trust people and I am not scared. I can handle it if anything worse happens)
This infant is crying for years all alone to get my mother’s attention and finally I got the call. I hope this time I get to reach there, because last time I was betrayed and I sent back to this lovely world wherein I don’t fit in ( because of my fault). This well behaved and well mannered world, this civilized society with full of contradictions, where everything has a rule, how to live , how to express love, how to die, etc etc….. list goes on..
If I get back this time to be kicked and to face hatred then perhaps I will start believing god once again 🙂
Wish I could take a selfie but this
called pretentious creature has no strength left in his body… Thanks to Aadil my family doctor for his nice gesture took some effort and being there with me…(as he always wanted to pay back what I did for his daughter who once met with an acid attack and I came in between in Barabanki (UP) way back in 2006).
But Aadil you don’t have to.. You are the only support I have left with… After my dad and elder sister…
Wish you all, a very happy and successful life,. If in the last five months I inadvertently hurt someone then please try to forgive me and give me another chance to serve you with some better stories of mine ( if at all).. I hope you can give me that very second chance which I didn’t get from the one whom I really loved the most in my lifetime 🙂
Anyways just, press cont. alt. del together to end this task and we will soon meet if I get rejected once again !!
Loads of love and respect for all !!
Stay safe and maintain happiness all along your life… And I will pray that your life doesn’t become a joke like mine…