” Yet another rejection.. but I am
a guy who is kind of used
to it ”
To be very honest, just before my mains examination I thought this is a much needed post for me.. especially what I saw yesterday. I saw a video recording of mine, when I was admitted last week in the hospital. I saw myself in a really bad condition.. “I was hiding my face, writing, crying , randomly apologizing to people around especially the nurses & writing to them that they should not worry, I will not harm them, please don’t be afraid of me.. I am not a beast like creature ” bla bla !! Today , it might sound weird to many, but it was not then .
Thanks to Aadil for being so kind to take a picture. However, I am much better than this now !! Because of prayers I received … Thank you so much !
I have written pages after pages, almost completed two diaries in just five months for someone with utmost honesty and sincerity.
But in this post I would like to write a little about myself whom I lost way back, & fortunately found that part of “me” recently. Some data which possesses soul !!
Thoughts that came into my mind while I was in the hospital-
Being a lawyer, there is no doubt in my mind that I can manipulate minds to an extent. I have realized that people will any way judge me without even knowing my name and I cannot avoid that… So, since my university days I create opinion about myself in people’s mind through my actions. May be because I don’t want people to gauge my depth (if at all any)… And in this process I lost my ” self “. Like many of us do in the process of living..
In the past week I found ” me ” after a long long time and my sincere thanks to those who have expressed themselves that they are not able to understand me despite spending loads of time .. This completion of cycle is what perhaps life is. From learning to unlearn things!!
Being what I am is an amazing feeling .I found “me” still alive.; he who believes in the path rather than end, who believes in journey than the destination because often end based goals lead to anxiety. He believes in the process of preparation to be supreme, he has no such ambition that could kill his ethical senses. Process of achievement is what matters to him..
He is not insecure of what he achieved. He believes in sharing of what he has achieved, be it knowledge, experience. He is ready to aspire for something which is beyond his capacity so that he can stretch beyond his comfort zone. Thinking for IAS or writing a book for dedicating to someone are just few examples of it.
He is open to criticisms and believes that people are much better than him and he is yet to learn many things which did not stopped his growth so far except some breaks in between..
He scared those who praised him all through because that may stifle his growth. He is always in search of someone who will harshly criticize him and point out his mistakes, who will be brutally honest yet stand by his side to help... and he is fortunate and grateful to god who has given him someone to whom he can look upto!!
Sometimes, we pretend what we are not because we always crave for what we don’t have.. But he enjoys what he have achieved. He also believed that if one have anger, arrogance, and ego then probably there is no need for opponents !! He believes gravity is a good teacher.
Love is what he believes in , he is a hopelessly romantic person, and knows “subjugating the self ” to achieve excellence!! He believes that real love is considering the self-interest of another before his own (out of his own) as if it were his own and it doesn’t need to be reciprocated. Of course it ends up breaking heart in the most horrible way, but that’s what love is.. It’s about giving .Love is not just an emotion. Love is a verb !!
When it comes to talent.. he believes that people might dazzled by talent but in reality, beyond a certain level talent and ability are the most useless virtues to be possessed. He believes in the attitude, the way to use the talent to overcome hurdles is what is important.
Because talent often breeds ego..Talent cannot solve all problems…
He believes in connections which gives us reasons for being here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The ability to feel connected what makes us alive… And unfortunately he had less connections than disconnections… But he certainly believes in true love that require courage !!!
Yes, he is vulnerable after losing his loved ones, specially his mother but being vulnerable is not weakness !! Vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage. It is the birth place is innovation, creativity and change.. He always attempted those which apparently impossible for him. Loving someone where no such relationship exist needs courage because honesty empowers him from within !!
He experience shame very often because people who don’t experience shame are those who don’t have empathy and don’t have capacity to connection. (According to Brene Brown) It needs courage to be imperfect. He strongly believes in her thinking. (thanks to Jennifer for suggesting those talks… It really helped me in search of myself)
He had the courage to make something that never existed before. The basic relationship between vulnerability and courage is important … He used to hesitate to talk about his shame but he don’t hesitate to talk about shame now.. He can laugh at himself !!!
He has always learned from mistakes and failures and they are his best friends. They taught him what not to do and that’s precisely what is needed to achieve excellence ( both personal and professional life). And there is probably no situation in life where one is not allowed to make mistakes….
He believes in luck and to him luck is a combination of preparation and recognition.. He is a fan of Lance Armstrong’s books.. He believes that humility is the most important factor than luck but what makes him sad that, humility have become a cult rather than what it should be. It should be with everyone.. He is aware of friends !! Aware of the difference between luxury and necessity.. Life is short, love is what I wanna spread not hatred !!
Am happy that often mistakes and misunderstandings helped me to understand better. But sincere apologies are still due for the mistakes which out of fear I committed (certainly not intentional….)
Loads of love and respect….
P.S. Thank you so much to everyone who helped me to ponder whom I was hiding deep inside….