I am afraid, but I also feel really brave. Something has changed- I can feel it in my bones…
Today is the day when I saw my mother for the last time two years ago. She was on her death bed with the ventilation… I knew that I won’t be able to meet her tomorrow, so I recorded the moment in my mobile…. Two years have passed & often I watch that video whenever I feel like.. With time I find courage to live and love with my whole heart… Not trying to reach to a destination but to walk along the road ahead.
I knew that I was not perfect and I was vulnerable, but at the same time I was brave and believed that I am worthy of being loved again… In the process, I failed several times, I failed to cope with the situation…
I failed to establish any connection with the society . Connection as the energy that exist between people when they feel, seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship… I lost this part of my life all of a sudden…
Two years ago, this was the day when I was apprehending a call from the hospital informing the worst news to me….. And the phone rang at 2 am .. From that day I from nowhere got the power to face and control the situation where my family was almost broken into tears… With time I tried to fulfill the vacuum but every time I failed..and was not able to express my condition to anybody… I was consumed from inside.. As a child, I had a dream that I will stay with my parents and try to give them the love and care they provided to me selflessly….but I am barred from doing my bit for my Maa and today it’s my dad who is only what I am left with with…. apart from my sister !!
“Love is the most important thing in our lives, a passion for which we would fight or die, and yet we’re reluctant to linger over its names. Without a supple vocabulary, we can’t even talk or think about it directly “. Diane Ackerman
This seems to be heavy but it’s very much essential for living. When I lost the love and belongingness from my life, I started to live only for my father and my didi. A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need…. That was the time when I met her ( the one I loved the most). But I am unfortunate enough to continue my life with her….and today I have not heard voice for months…
Today, this relationship with me and my family is perfect but was very bad a year ago, and it was she (one whom I loved) who made me realize my part of mistakes. Although, she is not with me today but she will remain with me forever !!
After a long holiday in Delhi I came back to my city Calcutta. It was full of debates, discussion, both formal and informal. Met few of my friends, and also had spent time for myself alone to search of my life. I was able to understand one thing that, making a decision in my life and diving into a strong current that will carry me to places I had never framed of when I took the decision. In my lifetime, for the first time I have fallen in love. A love that is undying, and I forgot myself… I was feeling her presence all the time in Delhi. Thinking of her while having street food, remembering her while walking down the old Delhi streets; I was almost talking to her in my mind !!!
I didn’t knew how to deal with this change because I was used to the way I am somehow after my mother died. I found what I wanted from life. There was a language without words I have learned, it’s the language of love. And the only thing I believed that ” when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it ”
It is almost one year by now, when I first met her. Just as she walked past me, I felt the world come to a standstill, the birds stopped chirping, the wind stopped blowing and the sun stopped shining. All I could see was her presence around me, positive and pure vibe that I have never experienced it. Everyday that I don’t see her, is a day not worth remembering, because ever since I started understanding her, I have realized that she defined my life.
I don’t know whether my love is shallow or unfounded, whether it was the feeling of love or my highest admiration for her ; but unrequited and untold love is the purest form of love. There is no pretense in that. The more I know about her, I more closer she comes to me. I really want to know everything about her and share my life with her too..
I still remember the whiff of her perfume, a tiny chirp from her lip of and just one look from her almond shaped eyes used to make my day. I still need nothing more than this. I used to spend more time with her, used to skip my bus stop and my bus just to spent another few minutes with her walking and talking about life and all. I wanted to talk her about my feelings but something stopped me always….I think it’s the fear of losing the friendship…
I don’t really know how to describe her except the way that, colors and hues certainly don’t make her look beautiful rather, it’s the other way things. I used to sit beside her, her sweet voice is like little birds chirping on a bright Sunday morning. The sun reflected off her glazing long black hair…. Her shining eyes used to speak a lot. She doesn’t require any additional “surmye” , her sweet and honest voice are like the windows to her pure and clean soul. I really cannot get my mind of her despite all my efforts. Her face, her simplicity, honesty, her slender fingers; I just cannot stop thinking about her. It’s like I am possessed !!
After all my self introspection I have come to this conclusion that I am in love. When she is around, her voice is my guiding light, my motivation in my life. Even when she is not at her best, she is still the best looking girl I have ever come across. Her heart is as big as the universe, with fill of love, care and empathy. Another thing that I have learned that live is eternal. I don’t believe in the putting a time line on love. It will happen when it has to. It doesn’t start on a specific date, nor does it end on one.
Every time she used to look at me, I used to be scared because she could see through me. I was scared because she will get to know that I am not a perfect human being and unlike her, I have flaws… On this trip to Delhi, I was encountered with some pivotal questions. I met Jennifer ( a dear friend of mine). She helped me all throughout and we talked about the questions like the following..
What do I do when the person whom I loved the most, loves someone else?? Do I stop loving that person or do I love that person even more?? It’s the latter for me…. Am not that selfish, I would still love her and be happy for her. I know it’s painful but that’s the only way left to love her !!! I have realized that when my happiness is like a sacrificial lamb for the happiness of the person I loves and cared about. I should admit that I an in love. Perhaps the most incurable form of love…
Thank you would be a very little word for her support !!!
Only wish I had was, had I knew the last time I met her that it will be the last time we’ve begin been meeting than I would have stopped the sun to set, I would have framed a picture of her to end my suffering and my pain. I would never had allowed anyone else to sit next to her in our last class and would have told her how much I loved her !! Had I knew that I would not be meeting her again, often would have breathed my last for her as she is the one for whom I was breathing for once again after my mother left me with my sister and dad !!
Another question that scared me initially a lot but not now. The question is when I see the person whom I loved the most in my life is moving away from me… What do I do? Do I panic? Or do I keep loving and hope things will be just like they were before… I chose the second one. Professionally I will have to grow and move up but personally I will never be, because the amount of love I possess for her is not going to end up before my last breath and I wont be able to move on !!
As the days pass by and I see myself getting engulfed in loneliness, my mind wanders off to the days when I used to see her and that used to be my biggest pleasure….. I still do not know whether she missed me or not, she must be probably busy being in work, building her career and gaining all those material goods and whenever she feels the emotional vacuum she writes on topics like love and emotions….. I can understand this dichotomy. I still misses her smile, her voice and everything about her and probably will miss in the rest if my life.
I just hope that one day she would notice that someone who loved her more than anyone else, was neglected… Someone who loved her so much that he tried to erase his presence from every possible sphere so as to provide a space…unless it becomes impossible for him to breath…. Our distance has been on the rise, the crushing helplessness I felt in the mean time and I still do, when the person whom I love is hurt by something or by someone and I cannot do anything about it. It’s one of the worst pain anyone can ever endure…
Living in denial is still possible for me than not seeing her at all because I cannot live without her. I need her in my life and will be empty without her. I have already lost most of her and cannot afford to lose her completely. True love is not having to pretend ever. I wish she understands this. I just want her to know that someone loves her like crazy. I can perhaps live with the fact that she doesn’t love me but certainly not with the indifference in her eyes. I lost a good friend of mine. No matter how much she insults me, berates e, one smile, just one smile can make everything all right… I am just waiting for that smile and nothing more….
I feel like going to talk to her but something stopped me, something told me that still she was not willing to listen. I was actually nervous to talk to her. I was always concerned about her health especially in the change of season. It’s the time when she often caught with cough n cold. Running nose and headache were supposed to be her biggest enemies. And I am so unfortunate that this time I couldn’t even ask about her condition. Whether she is taking the almonds in the morning or not. Though I am sure she takes good care of herself… So I did not want her to be bothered my stupid concerns again. I could not help but to think of what could have happened to her in the last 6-7 months … Is she is okay, pursuing job or not, happy or sad or anything about her well-being. ..
It is the true sometimes you have to undergo a lot of pain to realize what is right and what is wrong. As I endured that pain and fight for every breath, I hope she would realize this someday ….
After she severed all contacts my love was again confined to my room… I am robbed of all my happiness and life. Sometimes life makes no sense to me. Ask I could remember of the magic in her presence, those enchanting eyes that used to make everything seem better, I don’t know how she is so kind hearted and full of love and care!!
How long can she beer ignorant my live? Or seems like it’s been forever.. I looked defeated and detached as if anything that happened around me her ceased to matter. I did not protest to any number of before piercing in my body and any number of medication pushed down my throat. The only thing I did refuse was to talk to anyone !!
Did I lost her forever?? Just the thought is enough to stop my heart from beating. But I won’t let that happen. I have a plan to be there. She might need me some day…
My only prayer to her that please come back, I have realized that I am nothing without you, you give me meaning, purpose. Life is useless without you and I want my life back. The chase and the search for you made me realize how important it is to keep your loved ones close and let them know what you feel. Who knows what tomorrow has in super for us!!!
Today I am with books that once I was told to read…. Looking for Alaska, The gifts of imperfection, The fault in our stars and so on….
Maa I miss you very much…
And yes loads of love and respect …