It was 10th of Feb, 2016, around 4 a.m; I was writing the book (one that I promised to dedicate to my love) when suddenly I heard the pitter patter sound on the roof top. It was perhaps the first winter rainfall in calcutta. It is said that rain is like God’s own poetry; each drop is a single letter in a song. The music it carries always called to me in many ways which I cannot explain. But this time I had a different experience altogether. This time I came out of my house and stood near the lamp post staring up in the sky when the rain and tears mingle on my face, salty tracks blending into the fresh sky-fallen trickles. Only the pinkness of my eyes gives any clue to my sadness and in this city who will look closely enough to tell. This rainfall reminded me, one lovely moment of my life while standing with my soulmate once near a tea stall under a black plastic shed for almost twenty minutes… everything is so lively even after the expiry of nine months and it will remain evergreen all my life !!!
What I am going through is like a painful journey but I am growing with it. Depression is the flaw in love. There is no such thing called love without the anticipation of loss. The spectre of despair can be the engine and powerhouse of initmacy. I’m badly injured and almost unconscious with severe injuries which are not visible, though they are very deep and difficult to ignore !! I felt a funeral in my brain and moruners to ‘n’ fro till my senses were breaking through when they are over ceded and my mind was going numb !!
I came back upstairs and sat with my notebook. I asked this question to myself as to WHY CAN’T I ESCAPE THIS SEVERE PAIN ? IS THIS WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF BEFORE ? AM I IN LOVE ? I always tried to cloth my vulnerabilities and unending emotions behind my stiff exterior image but at last I failed. I couldn’t keep myself away from love and god knows that I was the most happiest person on earth when I surrendered myself to the unconditional love for my soulmate … We don’t meet people by accident, though we may think like that but they are meant to cross our path for some reason. I learned how to love in her light, learned how to write poems in her beauty, eternity and serenity !!
“If someting is important enough, even if the odds are against you, you should still do it” – Elon Musk…… I believe in this with utmost honesty.. May be that is why I was not able to sync with the pragmatic society around me. For me love is not only about thrill and excitement but also to understand my soulmate in her deepest silence. My love is not restreicted to any want or desire but it includes the beauty of predictability and respecting each other’s differences. May be I ‘m a fool, living in memories of my love and waiting for her rather than chasing dollars; I am not immersed in the inconsequential of city life… I always have the time to think about her, pray for her and listen to her voice wherever she is because I believe that emotional and spiritual connection do exist when there is true love as they follow their own laws !!!
The sense of belongingness was growing with every moment of my life and I believed in this instead of instant gratification.. I don’t really believe in options because I will always be attached to her soul.. I’m not a quitter. I’m prepared to sacrifice my present for a better tomorrow because without my love there would’nt be a tomorrow !!
However, technology has done a great damage in my life. It makes literally no space and makes a person impossible to breathe…full of whatsapp texts , messeges and all. I could’nt understood this fact earlier. Anything too much is not good except an unconditional love. I may not be pragmatic as my friends are, but I don’t regret about this fact. “Someday everything will make perfect sense. So, for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason”.
These lines helped me a lot along with one of my friends.. JENNIFER and her constant support.. She gifted me this book so that I can value my worth, my antics, my imperfections and vulnerabilities… The biggest change that happned in my life after reading it thrice is that, I have started loving myself. Tears have not stopped yet but the bitterness of pain and tears have become sweet !! Most importantly, my love for soulmate has increased manifold…and I am not overwhlemed with it…
It is true that by virtue of nature, I am here for a specific period of time. Unlike my feelings and love , my existence is temporal like all others but I will always be there in the raindrops, in the rays of sunlight, and in the blowing wind …bestowing all my love and wishes on soulmate forever !!
“EVENTUALLY SOULMATES MEET, FOR THEY HAVE THE SAME HIDING PLACE” – ROBERT BRAULT
I sincerely believe in this and this is my strength, my hope which is constantly supporting my undying and selfless love and encouraging me to wait for her. Till then I just want to pray to god for her health and success. All my life I believed in one saying of Benjamin Franklin that “MOST PEOPLE DIE AT 25 AND AREN’T BURIED UNTIL THEY ARE 75”, and I dont consider myself in this group and I will wait for her forever !!
Loads of love and respect, wherever you are ….
God bless you 🙂