Existential Questions Of My Life!!

Hi everyone !!
Today, I will try to touch some of the fundamental questions that came into my mind when I was walking through the graveyard ( the one I wrote earlier in one of my post).

Do I exist? Well, I believe that, the moment I will be left with no observer, my existence can be questioned. For ex. A bottle exist because we can see it. Everything in this world exist because it has a huge number of observers.. 


Clicked this picture from my farmhouse window…. Is this beautiful moon exist only because it has plenty of observers??

The moment, I lost touch with my love, I felt this existential question. I still exist as a son, as a brother, but certainly lost my existence as a true lover.. This is really painful!! 

Why I met her? Is she is the one which god has bestowed in my life as a blessing? Why I never felt like this before?  Well, I know this can’t be answered so easily.. Such ‘why’ based question at times leads to huge brain storming experience.

Can anyone tell me why the sun and moon is placed in their respective distance from earth in such a manner that when full lunar eclipse occur or solar eclipse occur, both sun and moon seemed apparently as a perfect match in spite of the fact that moon is very small compared to the sun..

It’s really very difficult to hide our emotions especially when we are into any form of art. Our honesty will trigger loyalty towards what we feel. This route is painful, emotional turmoil is an obvious outcome, confusion is not something unusual, committing mistakes can always be forgiven…..

Thus, we often express our heart and our character, our subconscious mind through the way we choose our words, gestures, the colors of our clothes, the pictures we click, or draw etc…

I chose not to hide anything but to express what I feel. I chose not to hide my emotions… this is the source of all my innovation, and my happiness lies in my vulnerability !!

23 march was holi and people were celebrating it. I wrote an ironical poem when I fail to adjust the shaheed divas of young  martyrs of our country in the colors of holi.

Apart from this, all the colors of my happiness are no longer with me. I feel the vacuum of her presence in my life. My sister knows about it but still she dragged me so that at least for the time being she could see my smiling face. I pretended to be happy which was very much evident.


Unfortunately, the colors they poured on me were not so strong that could cover the dark patches on my heart, the smiles around me failed to hide my tears …I was all alone despite being surrounded by people and family…. I was missing her!!


By evening I went to a drive. This route is the one which is open on both ends… I just drove my car for more than four hours to escape the pain in my heart of being away from her but instead, I felt the pain even more.. After the drive, I reached to my farm house..


Early morning in my farm house with my dairy, and few lines in my mind for her made my day. I was not alone even for a moment ; I felt her all the time, in the sun rays, in the blowing winds… It was really magical to feel someone constantly whom you love from the bottom of your heart !!

There was a time when few days of her absence used to drain out all my happiness and energy.. I used to miss her like anything. And now, days have converted into months, and I am left with extreme pain. May be death have the solutions to many of my questions!!

According to my friends, I belong to a minority class because they have failed to place me in this material world of relationship where most of the time instant gratification had become one of the major source of attraction…


Next morning, I went for another drive and visited my mother’s ancestral house which is in ruins…I had a dream to take her along with me to this place because she can genuinely appreciate this art form,  I told her about it before.

I stayed there overnight under the dark sky and looking for some hope.. I was sitting in the staircase, thinking about my mom and trying to relate her life and
childhood pictures that I was carrying…


But after sometime, I must accept this fact, that, I couldn’t avoid her thoughts to capture my mind again. I think she is flowing in my mind, in my blood. I was carrying few pictures of her, so I took them out and started talking to her.. It was magical. I only hope that someday she would understand that someone loved her madly..


Trying to look through these leaves throughout the night. Considering this to be my ray of hope that someday she will get to understand this eternal love!!

The very purpose of almost all of my blog posts will be understood one day. It will remind her of me when I will not be present in this world !!

Loads of love and respect..
Beparvah !!


143 thoughts on “Existential Questions Of My Life!!

Add yours

  1. Love is a double edged sword
    There isn’t one without the other
    Yet once you love you’ll love again
    As in life is for ever ones being
    Life and love for me infinite
    In many dimensions
    Great post

    Liked by 8 people

    1. Hope is is the only source that is keeping me alive !! Thank you so much…. It’s really seems stupid but it could happen to anyone, especially the ones who kept themselves away from such emotions I guess !!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. very emotional post. Just curious to know about couple of things…if its okay to ask…Are you in touch with your love through blog/fb etc or are all connections broken…If yes could you share the same so that we your blog readers might try to convey your pain to her if it helps…Or if i may dare to ask is it all fiction that you write so effectively….

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Am really happy that people are there with me.. Than you so much… I just want to tell you one thing about myself that I believe in hard work with all honesty and good intention… No matter the size or the composition of my audience..
      The size of audience and it’s composition doesn’t matter… I just want to do what is truth with all hard work…

      However, I know that she will be reading them all someday…. 🙂 I gave given all my time to her !!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for visiting my blog. I hope you enjoyed my thoughts and hope I made you think a little yourself. It seems that life has thrown you a rough time tight now but after reading a bit of your writings I am sure that you will come away from the problems of today and become a better, stronger man for it. Good luck to you, Beparvah! ; )

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you…
      Indeed your writings helped me to think about myself… But the word “myself ” bothered me all the time, because nothing is mine, my body belongs to the nature, my mind is full of memories of people I love and my heart where my love resides. …

      Thank you for reading my posts which is often dedicated to my love… Yes I really have this dream to make her proud.. Not because of the materialistic progress but also of being a good human being 🙂 I hope then things will get clear and better; the pain is just getting out of control with every passing day of my life !!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do not wish to advise on specific events in ones life. I will say that I believe we are imbued with a “self” that is unique to one. All that we give and all that we are given augments or detracts from our vision of self. In the end the “self” is ours to nourish until the individual becomes “we” outside our physical being. For now take care of your “self”. Our physical time is short. Have patience enjoy what you have had, do have, and will have ! Peace.

        Liked by 4 people

      2. Thank you so much for this..
        I actually don’t have words to express my gratitude but a big and truthful smile 🙂

        Falling in love and then rise is perhaps the biggest experience that I had and hope to continue to live with the time I had !!
        Thank you.. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Hey beparvaah!!where r u ?i answered ur post later coz going on duty.plz tell me dt why r u desappeared on my fb.dis is only for u n i donn’t allow anyone on my fb bt u n my close friend kusum chaudhary(my class mate).

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Hey baabu moshay!!do u know dt after death;every mother’soul wanders around her dearest one n blesses him/her.i have felt dis on many occations n still now.then , why r u feeling so alone.u have couloted already into colour of love ,so any colour will do what effection on ur heart n body.in ur lonelness n sadness has special strenght n attaraction in ur life.at night , i called u n heared ur voice dt seem to me as my closest one.how much ur voice is full of happieness.plz!go to graveyard to enjoy bt not to be depressed.if u have not lost ur love;so much beutiful feelings,from where do u achieve?plz care of u ,ur respected father n dearest sister and ur jerry.again,i advice u dt make ur marrige for ur better life n happieness for ur father.ur farmhouse is most beautiful bt it has not lovely noises of naugty children’s voices , playings,quarrellings,runings up n down allday.do u not feel all dt.ur mother n father has these wills.do u not fulfil thier desires.u should be worshiped ur beloved n live in present.i have said many times to u bt…….?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey… I can sense desolation from this post… !! I don’t know what exactly happened… But all I can say is that nothing is permanent.. Not even our sorrows.. 🙂 just hold on… Things do get better… Sometimes it’s just that our perseverance is at test… 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much for this support..
      it means everything… yeah ts true i am in a mess since long..even stopped blogging (the only place where I can share my emotions)
      I know things will be taken care of by time…but I am afraid of the scars that will remain deep inside..

      Thus , in the process of discovering and rediscovering myself, i need up reading books..and some wall paintings and stuff like that,.. hopefully I will soon start to respect and love myself !!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this comment… I feel that somewhere I do exist in the WordPress… I have written 3 posts but not published it.. Soon I will post it… And by that time I would like to share one such post with you …

      It’s on the concept of death that… “Death is the best gift of life, though it’s painful but it’s the most important and intellectual tool to humankind… ”

      I was just thinking of either to respect that demand by not posting further or to go on… This dilemma is just taking the time… Soon will come out with my story of death…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes… It hurts especially when someone carrying a true feeling and have to explain the reason of being in love to the same person…
        Rejected but still in love.. Honesty will come up… It cannot go in vain..
        All the best my friend. And I mean it… I do not mean friendship to be any kind of diplomacy in spite of being misrepresented many a times..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I was given tho understand different meaning of friendship where pragmatism, strategy and diplomacy were the key ingredients… I refused to be one of them and happy to carry my heart’s instruction..

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I have decided that it’s better not to write anymore because I respect someone so much that I can’t try make someone cry especially whom I loved with all sincerity and honesty !!!

      Bit nothing can be said about the future, I am writing in my diary, may be I will soon write !!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha ha….
        Yes… I believe that being in emotion or in love is a gift of God. It is so pure that doesn’t require any sort of reciprocity.. reading fictions, writing blog etc are very new to me especially one who have been into noon fiction world for a long long years !!


  7. Hello Beparvah…how are you…When do we get to see next post from you and when is the UPSC result getting declared…All the best to you 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. the result is about to come in the month of May… may be in the first or second week ..
      am so sorry for not blogging for the last 24 days but stopped blogging for a purpose but i will soon post my notes in my blog in the next 10-15 days … taking time to think about my worth as a person and how my blog can be of some use..

      By the way will open a new blog soon on UPSC prep..hopefully it will help many who cannot afford coaching ..

      thank you for your support sir !!
      it means a lot 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am sure it must be a strong reason for you to temporarily suspend postings but I would request you never to doubt the worthiness of your posts as we all truly and deeply relate to it at some level and consider it too close to our own lives.
        Your consideration of writing separate blogs for UPSC aspirants is really praiseworthy.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Than you so much for the tremendous support… Will come to you shortly sir…

        You can contact me through my Whatsapp account as well !! Thank you for understanding…

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh boy, you are not quite some silent guy are you.
    A lot of processing in your brain – now I wonder if you are beparvah or going to become one !
    Insearchofmyself sounds apt to what you write about.

    I like your strong thoughts on events that you come across.
    I visit that land of thinking and pondering often.
    Cheers. We will have good time, I believe.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. There’s this band of philosophy which is known as existentialism which states exactly what you feel. I have felt the same about my existence in this world, what my worth is to other people, will it affect them at all if I’m not there etc etc. Its a whole lot of thinking really! 😛

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Well, that’s personality now. It really depends on how a person is seeing the world and what he thinks of himself personally. Some just think that they’re the best. There are many other reasons why ego begins, to be honest. It’s a lot of writing for me!:P

        Liked by 2 people

      2. No worries…
        It’s actually a lot to think…
        We often give importance to the word “me” when such me doesn’t even exist… Even our body is not ours actually… But I think,, I am sounding weird by now..!!
        Just keep sharing, it helps me a lot.. And many others like me!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Certainly…. This way it can’t be finished until the sense of mutual respect is present in ourselves!!

        If honesty, innocence, and mutual respect are present, which I am sure that both of do have, then this thank you welcome words can easily be avoided…

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, read a paper which was published in London way back, talking about the debate between Einstein and Tagore on the existentialism… And the entire discussion was on the existence on a mere table !!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you
      The only fear will be of I stop believe in love, honesty, innocence and become materialistic which I was not and used to be proud of it..

      If I settle here and start liking the sadness, that is the biggest fear right now in my mind… Exams, service, posting etc have actually had no value

      But let’s see, I think I will start blogging again !
      Thank you so much for your support 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. To answer your question, no death does not have the answers to your questions. If anything, it will them unanswered. Believe in the universe. If you love her, she will know that. She may not get back with you, but a day will come when she will definitely know that you genuinely love her…

    Liked by 3 people

  11. I think we as humans try to find patterns in everything we see. Does the eclipse look like that because we see it that way or because it was that way that it was supposed to be seen.
    My father’s ancestral house is also almost in ruins now, I do wish I had the chance to see it in full glory but only pictures survive.
    And thank you for dropping by my blog!😊

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so very much..
      you that’s the issue, I know that death is not the answer, but trust me carrying it further with such heart wrenching pain is no better than death..

      its only my father and my elder sister for whom I still try to smile and pretend to be happy !!

      I hope, someday she would understand what she was to me !!
      thank you , thank you aso much !!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Thank you for visiting my blog… Beparwah! I like your blogs and your style of writing- very genuine. I don’t know what God has in store for you but I believe in the line – this too shall pass! Keep writing your wonderful stuff – it is very real!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes… You are absolutely correct…
      I initially didn’t understand what went wrong, each praying day is to think as to what should I do so that I can convince or at least understand where I did committed the mistake…. But failed miserably…

      So let go my love so that it comes back.. 🙂
      Than you so much for your support..

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dear we have to love ourselves first to expect someone to love us back… Stop finding out mistakes in yourself…. You are perfect and correct… You cant convince someone to love you back it comes naturally.. Start looking at other beautiful relationships in your life like your family and friends who love you and are waiting for you to love them back…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes…
        I’m in that process.. I think it will take time to get the self faith, and appreciate my self worth.. Never experienced this pain before, perhaps that’s the reason it is taking so much time ….
        Thank you do much… I will try to appreciate myself !! At least I will initiate from today

        Liked by 1 person

  13. I won’t apologize ,but unfortunately depressive post ,who has gone ,forget her ,move ahead life is going on ,don’t stop for anyone ,be like sea who ever comes embrace it and keep flowing

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Workout, reading and singing is what I have started….. Along with some wall painting… Wow…
        You banged in !!
        Bas beech beech mein flash back aaya hsin toh bas taqleef ho jati hain.. Baki to koshish puri hsin ki kam se kam samhal lun apne aap KO..:)
        Wp is one area where I thought to express myself and met some great people… Thank you for the support 🙂


      2. Bahot bahot shukriya…
        I just used the name beparvah..
        But suddenly it got lost in between…
        But I will start my blog soon…
        Thank you once again:)


      3. Hope can be equated with that particular branch that had the capacity to save someone from drowning…. I was drowning, but thou canst out of nowhere to help..
        Thank you, it will be remembered forever !


      4. Humm.
        I was of the belief some time back, that it’s better to rest silently.. Chup chaap so Jane mein hi bhalai hain…
        I will write on this on my next post for sure..


  14. Wow…people need to be very lucky these days to have someone love them so deeply and honestly. Hope she realises it too. Sometimes life isn’t how it’s supposed to be and we often find ourselves looping back to the thoughts of someone who fails to see what our hearts bear for them.

    And thanks for visiting my blog. After reading this, I’m sure you connect with my blog too. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Beparvah !! Your writing is so deep and I love your philosophical approach…
    Descartes said that even our perceptions would impose a misleading belief upon us… in other words if this world exists it is not just because because it has a huge number of observers…
    Can we see what we feel… no… and yet ,feelings are true and they exist….
    I like when you said that this tour you have made was no more than a way to get away from your girls and how you used it as a way to start over somehow… I totally understand you… I might have done exactly the same thing.,..
    All the best to you. Aquileana ⭐️.-

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much.. It means a lot to get appreciation from someone who is a brilliant writer- blogger!!

      I’m glad you liked it !! Thank you for the lines where you have mentioned that feeling do exist … I also believed so !! But unfortunately, situation around me became kind to me that to have faith in my feelings was getting extremely difficult… Some friends even called me a fool !! But after all I decided to remain foolish, I won’t kill my innocence and feelings at any cost…. I will continue to be madly in love ! 🙂 as far as the professional side is concerned, I have some responsibilities towards my family which I will fulfill always !!
      It is great to read this comment !
      Thank you for understanding !!
      It really means everything !!
      Thank you 🙂


      1. That is so kind of you. I am so sorry you have no-one to speak your heart out to. Listen and I mean this, you can speak to me if you want. I have a contact tag and it just leads to my email and I would happily listen. No strings attached whatsoever. I personally hate to think of people going through difficult things and feeling they can’t speak about it. It’s no good because it doesn’t make the bad times go away.


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