Hi everyone !!
Today, I will try to touch some of the fundamental questions that came into my mind when I was walking through the graveyard ( the one I wrote earlier in one of my post).
Do I exist? Well, I believe that, the moment I will be left with no observer, my existence can be questioned. For ex. A bottle exist because we can see it. Everything in this world exist because it has a huge number of observers..
Clicked this picture from my farmhouse window…. Is this beautiful moon exist only because it has plenty of observers??
The moment, I lost touch with my love, I felt this existential question. I still exist as a son, as a brother, but certainly lost my existence as a true lover.. This is really painful!!
Why I met her? Is she is the one which god has bestowed in my life as a blessing? Why I never felt like this before? Well, I know this can’t be answered so easily.. Such ‘why’ based question at times leads to huge brain storming experience.
Can anyone tell me why the sun and moon is placed in their respective distance from earth in such a manner that when full lunar eclipse occur or solar eclipse occur, both sun and moon seemed apparently as a perfect match in spite of the fact that moon is very small compared to the sun..
It’s really very difficult to hide our emotions especially when we are into any form of art. Our honesty will trigger loyalty towards what we feel. This route is painful, emotional turmoil is an obvious outcome, confusion is not something unusual, committing mistakes can always be forgiven…..
Thus, we often express our heart and our character, our subconscious mind through the way we choose our words, gestures, the colors of our clothes, the pictures we click, or draw etc…
I chose not to hide anything but to express what I feel. I chose not to hide my emotions… this is the source of all my innovation, and my happiness lies in my vulnerability !!
23 march was holi and people were celebrating it. I wrote an ironical poem when I fail to adjust the shaheed divas of young martyrs of our country in the colors of holi.
Apart from this, all the colors of my happiness are no longer with me. I feel the vacuum of her presence in my life. My sister knows about it but still she dragged me so that at least for the time being she could see my smiling face. I pretended to be happy which was very much evident.
Unfortunately, the colors they poured on me were not so strong that could cover the dark patches on my heart, the smiles around me failed to hide my tears …I was all alone despite being surrounded by people and family…. I was missing her!!
By evening I went to a drive. This route is the one which is open on both ends… I just drove my car for more than four hours to escape the pain in my heart of being away from her but instead, I felt the pain even more.. After the drive, I reached to my farm house..
Early morning in my farm house with my dairy, and few lines in my mind for her made my day. I was not alone even for a moment ; I felt her all the time, in the sun rays, in the blowing winds… It was really magical to feel someone constantly whom you love from the bottom of your heart !!
There was a time when few days of her absence used to drain out all my happiness and energy.. I used to miss her like anything. And now, days have converted into months, and I am left with extreme pain. May be death have the solutions to many of my questions!!
According to my friends, I belong to a minority class because they have failed to place me in this material world of relationship where most of the time instant gratification had become one of the major source of attraction…
Next morning, I went for another drive and visited my mother’s ancestral house which is in ruins…I had a dream to take her along with me to this place because she can genuinely appreciate this art form, I told her about it before.
I stayed there overnight under the dark sky and looking for some hope.. I was sitting in the staircase, thinking about my mom and trying to relate her life and
childhood pictures that I was carrying…
But after sometime, I must accept this fact, that, I couldn’t avoid her thoughts to capture my mind again. I think she is flowing in my mind, in my blood. I was carrying few pictures of her, so I took them out and started talking to her.. It was magical. I only hope that someday she would understand that someone loved her madly..
Trying to look through these leaves throughout the night. Considering this to be my ray of hope that someday she will get to understand this eternal love!!
The very purpose of almost all of my blog posts will be understood one day. It will remind her of me when I will not be present in this world !!
Loads of love and respect..